I am a little tired obviously, but I have a good sparkle in my eyes.
This is a photo of me today.
I am 11 kilos heavier in this photo. I look tired, my sparkle is a bit forced and to be honest I think I look five years, not eight months, older.
Today, I put myself back on the weight loss wagon.
The hardest part about weight loss is that you are always forced to begin the process when you are feeling your worst. And weight loss requires much positivity and will power - two factors that are severely lacking in your psyche when you're feeling downright disgusted in yourself. Ashamed.
So, today I will look at photos of myself and remind myself I can do it. I've done it before and I can do it again.
This will be my worst day. Not saying that tomorrow, or the days following, won't be hard. Each day will be a struggle against my demons. My relationship with food is like an addiction. I have to take it one day at a time.
I want to look in the mirror and see the person I want to be staring back out at me. At the moment my vision is clouded. I am unhealthy. I feel old. I feel flat. I feel sad.
Today will be my rockbottom. I will crawl out of this hole again. I've done it before I can do it again.
Today is my day.
Do you struggle with demons?
bigwords xx
Brilliant love! Here is to you being able to 'just be'! Remember It's not a diet plan, it's just who you are now. No pressure and have fun with it. I've started mine last week and it feels really good. Sending you loads of luck & good vibes. xo C
ReplyDeleteIt's a long, hard road that often feels like you're going round in circles, doesn't it? Been there. Am there. I am not exactly where I want to be but I'm not loathing myself either. I know all the good things to do, I just need to motivate myself to do them. You write so eloquently, Bianca, I love this. Think of your 'worst day' as a fabulous start. Health is so vital. I might be at peace with my voluptuousness but I'm not healthy, and that should be my motivating goal. I too want to resurrect that cheeky sparkle in my eye, and you my dear, have just prompted me to make it happen! xxxx
ReplyDeleteI fall off the wagon all the time! Sometimes I feel like I've sold the wagon to feed my addiction, but I rebuild the frickin wagon, get back on & continue the journey. Only over the last year or so my destination has changed . No longer do want my final stop to be size 10 or xxkg, my destination is healthy. I just want to be healthy.
ReplyDeleteYou can do it B. The weight loss path isn't fun or easy but Im pretty sure you have enough power to get where you want to be. Good luck & go easy on yourself! Lots of little steps will get you where you want to be xx
I reckon they need to install seat belts on those darn wagons!! thanks xx
DeleteI struggle with my food addiction all the time! I LOVE LOVE LOVE food! LOVE it!!!!! after my second child I had put on a massive 20 kilos. Mind you, my kids are only 14 months apart. anyway I started reading a book called sweet poison, the quit plan. basically it gives you the knowhow to quit sugar. its hard! But I have done it and I am so far 11 kilos lighter! It's hard because I have a major sweet tooth and I have fallen off the 'no sugar' wagon but I keep telling myself to do it for my kids, and for myself. I'm so lazy that I haven't really exercised so I could only imagine how much more I could loose if only I would push myself more! You're such an amazing lady, I'm sure you will do great in your quest to loose the kilos! Stay strong, YOU CAN DO IT!
ReplyDeleteSugar is really something I struggle with and am trying to cut out. Not entirely, but all the extra bits here and there. I really notice it when trying to lose weight too. Well done on your journey so far xx
DeleteOne step at a time. So many of us women have this distorted relationship with food and our bodies and it gets confusing again as you watch your own daughters enter their teen years and just dont want them to get sucked into that crap trap. Focus on health, movement and your good stuff.
ReplyDeletegood on you! I struggle too. A personal trainer has helped me and I have realised for me, having good energy levels and feeling strong watching muscle tone appear - just little bits- is what motivates me to eat well.
ReplyDeleteIt's so true isn't it - when you start to see changes you are more inspired. Good on you xx
ReplyDeleteThanks you are so right. It's the health and strength and state of mind I'm chasing, not the numbers on the scale. I always feel happiest when I am treating my body with more respect xx
ReplyDeleteYou're a step in the right direction by being so proactive about your health, darling. You're quite right in that it will be a struggle - but you're one day better off than you were yesterday. I've noticed my body changing as I've gotten older too and not all those changes are ones that I particularly like! Be kind to yourself and keep on trying - every day that passes will bring you closer to the woman you want to see in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't forget, we'll all be here for you along the way! xxx
Jess you are LOVELY. Good luck on your journey xx
ReplyDeleteWell done on one week. You must be feeling so proud of yourself. High five xx
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your gorgeous support. One day at a time xx
ReplyDeleteLets be honest, even when you are 11k lighter again you will still look in the mirror and feel shitty about something and how it looks. Those demons attack from every angle. But make sure you use the crappy to power the positive. Your daughters will be inspired by it. A clean and healthy life is the aim we all need. That was what got me thru losing 22kgs over the last year. Because shaping their self worth was more important than fitting into a smaller pair of jeans.
ReplyDeleteI've always yoyo'd my weight.
ReplyDeleteFat at school, skinny after, then marriage and a steady kilo a year gain from there.
A couple of years ago I saw how tired I looked in photos and how I couldn't see my chin for jowls. It was both depressing and cathartic.
So I set a silly target. A Marathon (I'm no runner like Ros so it was a little silly).
I lost a fair bit of weight when I did my half arsed training (it was a half arsed marathon effort too - I finished but there was plenty of walking between 30-40 km mark) largely because of 2 things:
1. I sweated like a pig for at least one hour a session 2 sessions a week. I flogged myself as we used to say at footy training, and
2. I just stopped eating 'treats'. I figured I can't change my whole diet at once, or I should say I could if I was going to 'eat healthy' for a month but I knew I wouldn't stick with the 'perfect' diet and once I'd deviated from perfect I'd just backslide and give up. So no chocolates for me.
I haven't run a step since and lo and behold the weight started creeping back. So now I flog myself for two 1 hour sessions per week boxing, and eat less chocolate.
Sorry for the long post, I suppose if I were to get to the point I'd say -'I've been there buddy, I am there now. The only thing that really works for me is pushing myself till I squeal like a pig.'
It ain't pretty, but it sure is effective.
Cheers
Rob
Rob, Thanks so much for your comment. I've listened to you talk about your weight loss/gain and you know you inspire me. I think we have a lot in common in that when we decide to do something we stick to it - which is fabulous when it's eating healthier eating and exercising, but not so good when it's consuming chocolate and sitting on our arse watching tv! I suspect we'll be yoyo-ing for awhile yet! xx
ReplyDeleteYou're right, I am pretty hard on myself. There's always something I'm attacking myself for, but when I'm eating healthier and exercising I definitely have a happier disposition. That's what I'm aiming for. Well done on your journey xx
ReplyDeleteHell yes, I have terrible weight loss demons. I managed to lose weight this year thanks to horrible stress. Lovely result but terrible way to do it and now I am struggling to come to terms with my food issues all over again. You CAN do it, one day at a time, brave and strong, remember its the journey not the result that counts.
ReplyDeleteOh yes, I certainly struggle with demons... and mine also usually manifest themselves in additional poundage!
ReplyDeleteI can still see an awesome sparkle in your eyes in photo numero 2 as well!!! I am at the beginning of a weightless journey myself, I totally get where you are coming from!!! I've also done it before and know I can do it again! You are so right about one thing in particular, we actually have to be HAPPY before we start this journey, not just think we will be happy at the end....this is for 2 reasons 1) obviously losing weight is not the be all and end all to happiness and very importantly, 2) if you are happy at the START of the journey, you are less likely to revert to that comfort eating type behaviours that you do when you feel stressed/sad/crap/exhausted/whatever. Thanks for sharing on MMIA today xxx Phoodie (www.phoodie.com.au)
ReplyDeleteI know you can do it Bianca. Cheering you on xo
ReplyDeleteYou're bloody gorgeous.
ReplyDeleteyep,you are looking younger now.you can also take help Glucose Control Formula (GCF) is designed to help adults control blood sugar levels and Promotes healthy sugar metabolism, lowers blood lipids and weight reduction
ReplyDeleteI do, I do, I do.
ReplyDeleteBut, you will make it if you want it. Run towards the sparkle, dear B. x
Same demon here hun. Same timing. I just got back from Italy and I cannot bear to look at myself in my own photos. Hang in there hun. Vix x
ReplyDeleteYou know I do. Every day. Don't aim for perfection. Aim for happy. Aim for that sparkle & keep it there. xx
ReplyDelete"I am unhealthy. I feel old. (well, I am old). I feel flat"
ReplyDeleteI told myself these things about 6-7 months ago.
Did I do anything about it? Well, I started...and lost 1 1/2 kilos...pfft!
I'm sure you'll do much better than me, I think I'll join you and try again.
First thing to do is cross the chocolate off the shopping list, right?
I struggle with my food addiction. I just ate a whole box of biscuits while reading blogs, that was after eating 2 spoons full of nutella. And the ridiculous thing is, usually I am the one in the household who is careful what I eat and my husband is a guts. But he's on a 'get healthy' kick at the moment and as a result I've become a gluttinous pig - what is with THAT?
ReplyDeleteBianca - have a target outside of an 'ideal' weight. Focus on something that will give you a reason to look ahead and be positive about what you are doing... like the sprint triathlon Wanderlust, Vegemitevix and I are aiming for in Brisbane next April 7th!
ReplyDeleteCom'on, you KNOW you want to join us!
LCM x