First Day of Spring. Or Pat Rafter Day.

Officially it's the first day of Spring today, but it's also Pat Rafter Day.

Things are heating up around here FO SHIZ.

And with that I leave you to enjoy the first day of Spring. I've marked the day by painting my nails.

Now I am off to get a kid's birthday party organised and cook (go to the bakery) for my husband's day-early Father's Day breakfast in bed. Long story.

Happy Spring!

bigwords x

I AM ANTI ONLINE BULLYING

I AM ANTI ONLINE BULLYING

I AM ANTI BULLYING FULL STOP

It's as simple as that. Bullying is wrong in any form. Attacks on Charlotte Dawson and others not in the public eye are not acceptable. Every person has a right to walk this earth without feeling afraid.

Everyone deserves to feel loved.

bigwords x

It Takes A Village - Mrs Sabbatical

It Takes A Village... to raise a child. So, I'm asking bloggers, and in this case friends, from my village to each write a message for me to pass on to my girls. If you'd like to write one, let me know.

This week's letter is a lovely one from a new reader and friend Mrs Sabbatical. She is very funny and this week she told me I did not have a double chin. Bless.

Dear Girls

Your mummy is very wise asking for friends to give you advice, because you will find that everyone can offer you something new.

I gave some to my daughter, but she is a little bit older, so I came up with these thoughts just for you three.

                                                                                                                                           

Be who you are. You will find even with your sisters you are all so different, and that is ok. Don’t try and be somebody else, you will be better at being you.

Don’t be afraid to jump in and try something new. You may fall on your bottom or look like a bit of a goose, or, more than likely, you will succeed and feel fab. How will you know if you don’t give it a go?

Embarrassing situations make great stories. After a while the scarlet fades from you face and your tales can become a fabulous ice breaker. “Did you hear the story of the time I fell over at assembly……. It’s hilarious!”

Not everyone has the same opportunities as you, be aware that there are plenty of people who may have to struggle a bit more. Perhaps ask the kid in the playground who always sits alone if they want to play 4-square.

Belong to a team. Not only does exercise make you feel great, but belonging to a team is a fantastic way to meet people, especially when you are older and have moved somewhere new.

Travel, there is so much to see and do, grab a ticket and a friend and just go and explore.

Never underestimate the power of good personal hygiene and excellent manners, especially table manners. It’s a fork, not a shovel.

Never stop learning. Uni is not for everyone, but that is not the only learning out there. If you feel passionate about something, learn more about it. Can’t juggle, play guitar or double-dutch? Learn, keep your brain active.

Develop the art of conversation. Ask questions, be aware of current affairs. When you are older you will be in awkward social or work situations, but if you can start a conversation, you will be fine.

Don’t grow up too fast. Being young, immature and silly is much more fun.

Never stop laughing. Frowning will give you more wrinkles.

Love

Aunty Sabbatical xxx

Mrs Sabbatical is one of those Australians that left years ago to with a backpack to explore and came back with a family. Now a mum to 9yo Crazy, she decided that corporate life was over-rated and thought it was time to take a sabbatical and learn something new. She likes to pontificate on pretty much everything and is desperately trying to be cool and crafty.

Mrs Sabbatical blogs at http://www.mrssabbatical.blogspot.com and on @mrssabbatical (and facebook, and instagram and……).

The Photo Shoot

My husband may be a super amazing photographer, but yesterday he faced his toughest client, ME.
This is me. Just hanging about on the couch. This is what I said to Twiggy when taking this shot: "Where do I look? Have I got a double chin? Should I put my legs like this or like this? Is my hair ok? Do I have lipstick on my teeth? Did you remember to pay the electricity bill? Does my bum look big?".

Here's me just sitting in my driveway. Here's what I said to Twiggy when taking this shot: "Sit on the driveway? I never sit on the driveway. I don't know if I can sit on the driveway in these jeans? Ooo, ooo, ok I'm sitting down. You do know you'll have to help me get up again. Is this ok? is my hair ok? Am I looking at the right spot? Does it look like the daisy bush is an afro? Do I look fat? Did I turn the oven off? Does my bum look fat?".

Here's me sitting on the couch with the kids. Here's what I said to Twiggy when taking this shot: "Don't make me look fat? Can you photoshop my extra chin out? Can you get rid of the pimple on my chin? I don't look fat do I? Oh man, I wish I wasn't so fat? Does my lipstick look ok? Miss 5 stop picking your nose? Miss 3 stop pushing your sister? Miss 2 stop licking your sister's face? Who did a pop off? I don't look fat do I? Twig does my bum look fat?".

Miss Three got a little bored thus this series of photos. One in which she started singing: "Shake my bum at the camera".

Then I shut up for awhile and let him do what he does best. Not that he was listening to a word I was saying anyway!

You can find Twigs's photos here: http://www.archiefive.com He travels everywhere taking photos for businesses, media, magazines and weddings. Luckily his clients are much less whingy than me.

Do you like getting your photo taken?

bigwords x

On another note, I'm doing a bit of a recruitment drive - if you get a moment do you think you could please like my Bianca Wordley's bigwords's Facebook Page - http://www.facebook.com/bigwordsblog and while you're at it have you joined my site (you can find it on the left hand side). And lastly, if you pop your email address in the box in the top left hand corner you can get bigwords delivered straight into your inbox! Fancy that.

The Great Mirena Removal

See this thingy, this IUD. This stupid Mirena. It sucks.

I got one in March this year. Ever since its "insertion" I have been a mess. I've had the appetite of a pregnant woman, resulting in a 10 kilo weight gain. My boobs have been big and sore. My tummy always bloated. I've had the worst acne, like a teenage boy. My hair has been greasy too. I've had mood swings as ferocious as a freakin' tiger. I've had moments when I've felt so sad I've cried for hours on end. I also started having heart palpations and memory loss, so much so that's made me think I might have to book appointments to get my heart and brain checked out. I've turned into a hypochondriac, I tell you. I've been uncomfortable and nervous in social situations. I've drank too much. I even started to think perhaps I had depression, but know in my gut I do not. I've been a bitch to my husband and started thinking that maybe everyone in my family would be better off if I lived alone. I haven't liked me very much at all. And then the other 75 per cent of the time I've been fine, aside from the big, bloated, forever hungry, spotty faced, limp hair appearance.

Fucking roller coaster, man.

I couldn't work out what was happening to me. It wasn't the normal bitchy, pms-ing journey, the lows were lower than normal. So, I started trawling the internet for Mirena side effects. I looked on the Mirena site and right there was this list. Bam, I'd found the culprit.

Between 5% and 10% of Mirena users may experience:

• Headache/Migraine
• Acne
• Depressed mood
• Heavy or prolonged menstrual bleeding

Less than 5% of Mirena users may experience:

• Vaginal discharge
• Breast pain or tenderness
• Nausea
• Nervousness
• Inflammation of cervix, vulva or vagina
• Pelvic pain during your period
• Back pain
• Weight increase
• Decreased sex drive
• High blood pressure
• Pain during intercourse
• Anemia
• Unusual hair growth or loss
• Skin irritations (such as hives, rash, eczema or itching)
• Feeling bloated
• Swelling of hands and feet
• Expulsion

Seriously, having little or no period is not worth feeling like a 15 year old girl. 

So, I am taking back control of my body. I have come to the conclusion that this form of birth control and me don't mix. I have booked an appointment to get the little sucker removed.

What are your experiences with birth control? Have you had, or do you have, a Mirena?

bigwords x

When Doing A Dodgy Is Divine

This painting makes me laugh from my belly. Every. Single. Time. I. Look. At. It.

In fact, even just thinking about it makes me smile. So. Hard.

The original painting wasn't a million dollar masterpiece, but was a sentimental favourite of The Sanctuary of Mercy Church parishioners in the Spanish town of Zaragoza for over 120 years.

When it started to fade over time, a local woman in her 80s took it upon herself to restore it back to its original state. She just failed to remember that she was lacking in any artistic abilities. The end result has garnered world wide attention for all the wrong reasons. That poor lady became a bit of a laughing stock. She also became a bit of a hero. A hero for giving it her best shot.

For coming from a place of love.

The painting has now attracted a newfound celebrity status and people are flocking to see it. And it's become the new meme of choice.

And my favourite...

So to, Cecilia Giménez, you are wonderful. Through an act of giving, in the spirit of the church you worship in, you have done good. I am not a religious person, but I think the saying God moves in a mysterious way, is very fitting.

Have you ever tried to help, but botched something instead?

bigwords x

The Case of the Noisy Sex

This couple loves loud sex. Very loud sex. Very loud, very frequent, like over 20 hours of it a week, sex. They are so into "it" they could possibly become South Australia's first couple charged under the Environmental Protection Act. I gather that rollicking sexy time would come under the banner of noise pollution. Let's just say I am sure all involved are relieved they are not also being reprimanded for another environmental nuisance - ordour forthwith.

Apparently, it is Jessie who is making most of the "noise'. She's a screamer. There's also swearing and loud moaning.

"It is mostly Jessie," Colin said. "Our average sex goes anywhere from four, six, seven hours, basically five nights a week.

"That's pretty much why I am asleep at six o'clock in the afternoon. I will probably die of a heart attack, she is almost killing me as it is."

I'm thinking he might have to be charged with being a sex machine. Obviously, his moves in the sack are criminally good.

My hat goes off to the reporter Nigel Hunt from the Sunday Mail, for writing what I believe is his best story ever. I am betting he conducted the interview over the phone or in a nearby coffee shop, unlike the photographer who had to actually go inside their home. If I was Simon Cross I wouldn't have sat down anywhere. I would've taken those photos as quick as you could say: "Wam. Bam. Thank you Ma'am".

Meanwhile, Colin and Jessie will have to give quiet sex a go or perhaps issue headphones to their neighbours. 

So, here's my question for this fine Sunday morning. Have you ever been subjected to noisy neighbours going at it hammer and tong? Or are you the ones causing the ruckus?

bigwords x

The Haircut

This is Miley Cyrus earlier this year. Very classic.

This is Miley Cyrus now. Very edgy.

There was an uproar.

What has she done? How could she do that to herself? WHY?

Personally, I love it. I think she looks fabulous and hot and happy. She is turning 20yo this year. Why not take risks. She tweeted that her hair cut had helped her feel "more me in my whole life life" and that  she was "feeling so happy in my skin". Brilliant, I say.

Then it reminded me of when I was the same age.

This is me before my Year 12 formal. I had long locks.

This is me on my 21st birthday.

I had just cut all my hair off. I remember feeling really happy in my skin. I owned my look. I've been chasing that feeling for awhile now.

Isn't it strange how your hair cut can define you. How your hair cut can make or break you?

At the moment, I am sporting a bad home hair dye job. It was meant to be dark brown, but came out black. Does. Not. Suit. Me. Eeeeek. It'll wash out soon, revealing my numerous grey hairs. Until then, I'll be struggling with the emo look.

Sometimes I long to be 21yo again.

Do you have a favourite haircut you're too scared to recreate?

bigwords x

It Takes A Village - BabyMac

It Takes A Village... to raise a child. So, I'm asking bloggers, and in this case friends, from my village to each write a message for me to pass on to my girls. If you'd like to write one, let me know.

This week's letter is from my deliciously spunky friend Beth, or, as many know her, BabyMac. She is kind, tells it like it is, has fabulous hair, a great taste in home wares, has a little flower girl born on Valentine's Day just like me and she makes a mean pork belly. 

Hello girls,

Your awesome Mum has asked me to impart some of my knowledge with you all to take on board in your journey in this big, bad world. I could tell you about self belief, and learning, and other such wise words, but I'll save that for people who actually know what they are talking about. I'll talk about some of the other things. The lesser known and celebrated parts of our lives that will make your time in this world more enjoyable. Believe me. I know about these matters.

1. Ladies, use your manners. At all times. Never forget them - especially not when you are older and think they don't apply to you anymore. That's when they especially do. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all. You can THINK it, sure. You can call up friends to discuss it, but leave it be. It will serve you well. As I like to say to my girls and friends "Keep yourself pretty". That doesn't mean how you look, but how you ACT. If I hear otherwise from your Mother, I will be sure to tell you all to "put your manners back in." 

2. Make your beds. Every day. It will serve you well to start the day in a tidy fashion. There is no joy to coming home after a busy days work ready to collapse into bed and it's not made. And NEVER, not ever, leave the clean sheets off the line to go onto the bed just before you sleep. To walk into a room and see a bare mattress without linen is like seeing me naked. IT'S NOT PRETTY. Wash your sheets often, make your beds well.

3. Take joy in the simple parts of your day. Making a good up of tea. Sweeping a path. Mopping a floor. Hanging out washing. It's mundane, sure, but you can get a simple pleasure from  it. Take the time to thank yourself for your hard efforts. I find mock cream in Neenish tarts a very good reward for such matters.

4. Have children, even just for the fact that they can unpack your dishwasher. One day. I'm yet to see that day but I have two in the wings, just ready to go when they can reach the fancy pull our drawers. Stupid fancy design. And STACK YOUR DISHWASHER CORRECTLY. For the love of Pete - cutlery up, maximise your space and chuck in all that you can. Don't be cheap with the detergent. You'll regret it. Believe me.

5. Work hard. And keep going. And then work harder. There is not much better than sitting down after a hard days work, manually, or otherwise, and feeling like you have accomplished something. Nothing comes for free, if you work hard, push yourself, and be consistent, then rewards will come. It's quite boring, but it's true. Like most important things in life really.

6. DO NOT ROLL YOUR EYES. Not ever. It's very unbecoming for a lady.

7. Be kind. To yourself. To others. And most importantly, to your Mother. Refer back to point 1. It's just good manners to be grateful each and every day for all your Mother has done for you. I constantly remind my own girls and will do so until the day I die. It shall be my legacy. BE GRATEFUL YOU BASTARDS.

I wish you all the best in your lifetimes. Success. Education. Careers. Motherhood. Heart thumping love and passion. And most importantly, happiness. You'll be fine though, with those parents of yours, you are already half way there.

All the best,

BabyMac x

Beth blogs daily at www.Baby-Mac.com.  She believes in family. Good friends. Pork. Champagne. Long lunches. Sleeping without being woken by small children. Clean sheet day. Fresh flowers in her home. Open fires and sitting by them with drink in hand. Using her passport. Love, real proper, heart thumping love with her husband. Bad reality TV. The internet. Cooking. Eating. Changing her hairstyle. Often. She believes in reading, writing, watching and sharing. And putting it ALL out there.

The School Photo

Even film stars have embarrassing school photos.

That is why today I held my ground with my 5-year-old who was determined to wear a scunchie in her hair.

"But it will look pretty," Miss 5 reasoned.

"No, no a scrunchie is not your best option," I replied tentatively. She is 5 she has a tendency to win arguments in our house because it's easier that way. "No, you will not be wearing a scrunchie in your school photo. You will thank me later."

Instead, I pulled a bit of hair back and tied a gorgeous blue ribbon in it.

*insert photo of her looking gorgeous here* *she refused* *I let her her win that battle*

I just wish my Mum had stepped in when I went to school photo day on these days.

What was I thinking?

And just to make me feel better, here's some pics of our Prime Minster when she was at school. 

And again, George Clooney.

Jokes aside I want to leave you with this.

Overheard this morning at school drop-off. Boy in Miss 5's class: "Look at everyone all ready for school photos. Oh My God, look at Miss 5. I can't take my eyes off of her".

And so it begins.

What were your school photos like? Got any doozies you want to share with me on my Facebook page - http://www.facebook.com/bigwordsblog

bigwords x

These Are My Downfalls

I always start off so well, with great intentions. I'd say 1 out 5 times I stick to it. The other 4 times I succumb. Yes, I am going on about grandiose healthy eating intentions - AGAIN.

This is where I come unstuck - every single time. CARBS.

These are my downfalls.

The creamier the better.

I can get 12 for under $2 at my supermarket.

Butter like cheese, people. Butter like cheese.

Chocolate, smothered in chocolate. Just add King Island double cream.

Fried fatty goodness.

Curry pies are the best.

Nothing like covering lean veal with carbs and frying.

Ice cream in any form.

So much cheese, so little time.

I'm struggling to break the cycle. I need professional help. I need a Carb Exterminator. I need to call in the Gutbusters. I need a multi-million dollar deal with Weight Watchers or Lean Cuisine. Anyone?

What are your downfalls?

bigwords x

Talking Bras Are Cray Cray

A funny thing happened to me the other day while enjoying a relaxing walk in my local park. These two bras walked past me and started chatting to each other about how perky and fabulous they were: "Wow, you look great, something different? You lost weight?".

As I listened to the bras chat vivaciously, I found myself tugging at my ill-fitting bra. The straps kept slipping off my shoulder and my breasts were hanging a little low (like they were practically dragging on the ground).

And as fast as you could say: "Did someone put LSD on my porridge this morning because there's two bras in the park chatting to each other?"- a lightbulb went off *ding*. I thought to myself, maybe I too could look as amazing as the talking bras. If only I knew how? Then two lightbulbs popped into my head *ding ding*. I know, I'll get plastic surgery just like the boobs that sat perkily inside the lacy talking bras. That'll make me feel better about myself. All my cares will vanish in a puff of smoke *poof*. Then forever more I will be known as the happy lady with the enormous boobs.

Just like that, I booked myself into my local plastic surgeon and got my puppies fixed. Voila.

OK, that did not happen. What did happen was I was sitting on the couch last night eating fried wonton and watching Big Brother or something equally as crap and then this stupid, stupid advertisement came on. Much as I hate to give it anymore airplay, it's necessary for international readers who would not have had the pleasure of throwing things at their television when it comes on.

The campaign is backed by more than 100 Australian plastic surgeons who want to get women talking about plastic surgery. They want us to get more of it.

It sure has got me talking about local plastic surgeons and what a bunch of knobs they are. Seriously, talking bras? I'm not really fussed if someone gets their boobs done, each to their own. After having three kids I'd almost consider it myself if it wasn't so pricey and didn't hurt so much. I'm too cheap and a big wimp so I prefer to just buy a good bra, not one of these mouthy talking ones, just a  mute one with good divide and conquer properties.

I'm more offended by the ridiculousness of bras talking. And I'm also annoyed by the bra's sing song voices - gag. And then there's the whole: "Wow, you look great, something different?" as if to imply you looked shit before you got your boobs done.

Advertising companies of the world. Give us a break. Woman are not that stupid. We can see through your talking bra bullshit. Give us some ads that are clever - like we are.

Do your bras talk to you?

bigwords x

It's The Little Things

Big moments in your life shape you. Births, deaths, marriage, divorce, new homes, travel, graduation, new jobs, the first day at school... you get the idea. These occasions stick in your mind, define you. They stand out, they're revered, but it's the little things that keep you chugging along. It's the little things that make life extraordinary.

A bee buzzing around a lavender bush on a sun drenched winter's day.
A sleeping baby.
Nutella by the spoonful.
Finding notes in you kid's school bag.
The smell of a roast cooking.
An afternoon nap.
Holding a child's hand.
The sounds of the ocean.
A professional blow dry.
Making someone smile.
Crackling smothered in salt.
Giving.
Sharing a kiss with your partner.
That first bite of chocolate self saucing pudding.
A freshly cut lime.
Getting a parking spot right out the front of the shops.
The moment you dive right in.
The perfect jus.
Bubbles on your tongue.
Vases full of flowers.
Sweat.
Great sex.
A song for every occasion.
Hand luggage.
A good cry.
Prawns.
A joint on a summer's night with friends.
Trams rushing by.
Tears of laughter.
Winning backgammon.
Words.
The theme song to Neighbours.
Clean sheets.
A breaking news story.
Books that make you feel something.
The nerves in your belly.
Winning an imaginary race with a stranger on the street.
Dagwood dogs.
Weeing in a bush and not getting wet feet.
Knowing when to stop.

What are your favourite little things?
bigwords

The Joys of Mince

There's nothing quite like running a small business to truly understand the value of 101 Ways To Cook Mince or its second edition Toasties Toasties Are Nutritious.

It's either feast or famine in our house. And we are in the in-between stage. The stage when you check the bank account a little obsessively waiting for bills to be paid. The stage you know you're owed money, but it's sitting in an accountant's To Do tray.

Meal planning becomes paramount, holidays become wishful thinking and internet shopping becomes internet browsing. I like to put things in the "basket" and then empty it before moving onto my next online store. Somehow it makes me feel like I've actually purchased stuff. It just never arrives, which doesn't usually bother me, because in most cases I've forgotten my imaginary purchases by then anyway. And for the kids, there's always Ikea for a fun and cheap day out. Those 20c ice-cream cones are a big hit, so is the free ball pit. Easy peasy.

What do you do to stretch out your cash in the lean times? Have you got any good mince recipes?

bigwords x

Magic Mike Objectifies Men

Yes, yes it does. Magic Mike does objectify men. About time I think. You know I'm all for equality of the sexes.

If you have a problem then call the police.

But we all know they're just a bunch of cowboys.

Or maybe send the sexism intellectualists.

 Except we all know how heated they get. So heated they can't keep their clothes on.

One guy just had to cool down.

It was so hot they had to bring in the fire brigade.

The clean up took ages, probably because someone kept taking off with the broom.

So, the only solution was to call in the US Army.

That's my review of Magic Mike. It could've done with less speaking. Even my kitchen table could've written a better script. And there just wasn't enough dancing. I haven't laughed so much in ages. It's a must see movie. Five stars for the chests.

Have you seen it?

bigwords x