When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you see your flaws or your assets? Do you see what other people see when they look at you? Or do you only see your own warped vision?

Lately, I’ve been looking in the mirror and seeing a woman who is skinnier than I actually am. When I go clothes shopping I’ve been selecting outfits that won’t fit me. When I grab the clothes off the hanger, they look big to me. As I am pulling them on, I will them to fit, because they’re huge compared to my body shape so of course they’ll fit me. Right? Wrong, they don’t. Nothing fits me anymore.

When I look in the mirror I see a smaller person. I am trying to trick myself into being slimmer.

Over the course of the blog, I’ve written a lot about my weight. I have body issues. I wish I was someone who was comfortable in their skin and just relaxed into a larger size and owned it. I can not. I am fearful of getting bigger. At what point do you give up on yourself? At what point do you admit defeat and stop caring. I am on that knife’s edge.

I can almost hear myself saying how I remember when I made the choice to give up. When I made the choice to surrender to my food demons. When I made the choice to be sedentary. When I made the choice to be overweight forever.

I don’t want to be that person, but I’ve been battling this for too long now and don’t know if I have the energy to keep fighting. This year I’ve put on 15 kilos. And each week my goal weight slips further away. I have bursts of going to the gym and eating healthily. Each time I vow it’s the start of my new way of life. I vow that I will be a healthier me. Each time I fail within a few weeks.

I’ve just started buying clothes from the plus-size section. I can’t buy clothes from my favourites shops anymore. They don’t go up to my size. Now I buy what fits and not so much what I like. Fashion retailers find it hard to comprehend that women of larger sizes still want to be fashion forward. Apparently you lose your right to mix with the fashion elite when you gain weight.

I saw an interview with the divine Dawn French on Seven’s Sunday Night program. She’s recently lost a huge amount of weight (45 kilos to be precise) and is now slowly putting it back on again. When asked how she’d lost so much weight she said it was through “joyless eating”. “I walked my dog a lot and I just did not eat any food that I liked and that’s why I’ve put on two-and-a-half stone because now I’ve returned to the world of happy eating,” she said.

I get her.

There’s no compromise for me. I either eat super healthy, small portions and go to bed with a rumble in my belly while keeping up a strict exercise regime or I pile on the pounds. There’s no in-between for me. As there’s no in-between for many people like me.

When do you decide to give up?

bigwords x